There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
