I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
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