I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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