Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
