Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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