sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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