someone get that fucking seahorse.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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