I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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