Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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