Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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