after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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