I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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