I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize