its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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