at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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