So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
