So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
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