kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My bed smells like the plague
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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