I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
