i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
