Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
