omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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