My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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