the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
