Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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