made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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