I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
