last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
now i know why i became what i already was.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
