apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
