8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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