It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
