My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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