sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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