now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
