I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize