He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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