I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm getting married
To pizza
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
COCAINE IS GR8
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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