are you still at the devil's house?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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