Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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