Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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