this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
