I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
