Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
