i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
