Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
