Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize