I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
