oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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