how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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