That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
