My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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