the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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