I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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