The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He called his prostate his "boner button".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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