it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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