Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
