i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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