You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
