drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
