Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
